I don't know wtf is happening to me. Cannot concentrate on anything at all. I'm afraid 5th october is going to come and there will be me and my ki paper, staring blankly at each other. Awkward little idiots. Need to achieve perfect synthesis of Girl and Paper so me and the essay question become one -- it asks, and it shall receive.

What am I doing home at 6.50am???

I hate public transport, honestly.

I need to clear my fucking mind.

EDIT 8.13PM

Sometimes it's enlightening just to realize that Some Shit Just Ain't Worth Your Time No More. Woohoo baby~! STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY

Criticism of Idealism:

-- Unfalsifiable; impossible to check if the contrary is the case
Impossible to observe whether something ceases to exist when no one is perceiving it. (LIKE THE FRIDGE LIGHT)

I was doing some random thinking (a lot more dangerous than it sounds, I realize) and suddenly realized that

I was in A10 from Feb 9th. My last day was May 12th.
I've been in HP from May 13th to September 19th, as of today.

Ignoring the June holidays, that's roughly 3 months spent in A10 and slightly more than that in A14.

Oh my fucking god I've been in HP longer than I've been in A10!!!!!!!!

This is insane. I'm sorry I must have a really bad sense of time, because in my head... it just doesn't fit. Yeah this is the classic example of me living in my 'vivid inner world' getting lost in all my illusions and fantasies.

Anyway lessons have been rather awesome for the past two days. For KI we're doing eastern philosophy, which I suspect apart from ethics is one of the easier topics to get passionate about (tortoises all the way down!!! how can you not love it?). Econs is terribly interesting, partly because of lessons and partly because we have a new french tutor wowz. Maths is still kind of a disaster, hopefully tomorrow's tuition will rectify that. Lit is really brilliant.

I got all emotional while watching Hamlet in class. Not outwardly or anything, more like a deep inner rousing of the soul~ I got so excited I had to tell people about it. For Wuthering Heights Burge talked about Isabella, the foolish little girl who cherished an illusion of Heathcliff even though everyone told her otherwise and in the end had no one to blame but herself.

I think I can identify a lot with Isabella. I mean, really!

Okay I don't know what's with the exclamation marks and the excited gushing. I realize that my body language signals are totally screwed up, plus the emotions I'm feeling never correspond with the emotions on my face, unless it's a really strong emotion that it just spills out naked and undisguised... but that rarely happens haha! Okay enough, my dad is overseas and I have to take PUBLIC TRANSPORT to econs tuition (which starts at bloody 8am), gasp~

Talked to my senior mortal today. He has a maths paper tomorrow. I asked him how his revision was. He held up a book titled 'Animal Diversity' with a picture of a sunset on the African savannah and an animal silhouetted against it. (completely unrelated to any subject he takes) And he said, 'I'm just going read this when I get back. I'm not going to bother studying anymore. Everything's so pointless'. I don't know whether to be horrified into being thankful for my own sense of urgency, or to be in awe of his utter lack of concern. Sort of both. Today has been immensely productive in terms of econs revision. I think I have sort of settled into an okay work-play balance, and by 'play' I mean taking breaks from studying to immerse myself in psychology articles online, trying to figure out how the myer-briggs test indicator works, and also trying to discover more about my intp-ness. It's all very fascinating. Also, by balance, I mean 80% work and 20% leisure. I am pretty awesome that way, no? Also I went jogging. Icing on the cake, I know, I know ;D

In case anyone lacks the motivation to study for promos right now (as if the <1 month countdown isn't enough), have some lovin' from the faculty of ares. My -ex- faculty, technically, but retarded good cheer is always appreciated NO MATTER THE COLOUR!

It's a weird time to be announcing this but oh baby it's a hiatus

The Eagle's Throne - Carlos Fuentes

pg 291

There was suffering in your expression, but it was combined with serenity, and I envied that; it was a look inherited from pain and courage and faith... I don't know.

You, on the other hand, could see the family bitterness in my eyes, and you reproached me for it.

'Sweetheart, resentment, envy, and self-pity are poison. Turn what you feel into the will to love. Into the freedom to act. Don't wear yourself out hating your father. Overcome it. Be more than him. Better than him. But be different from him. That's what will most rankle inside you.' You laughed, my love.

pg 174

And I replied, 'Never punish yourself for being happy. Don't forget, we got where we are because we never let feelings drag us down.' 

---

Quotes from a book I've been reading on and off for a few months, it's really really good, this is why my promos revision is screwed, see. There's more quotes where these came from but they're not immediately relevant at the moment so another day, another time. Maths remedial today -- the first maths remedial ever for which I didn't have to stay back, because I finished everything on time. Yes, I have developed an intimate relationship with vectors and guess who wears the pants in this one?

:)

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure — these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart…. Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become.
Steve Jobs, Stanford Commencement Speech, 2005

I sent an email to the Future Me, which I will receive exactly one year from now. One of the last few lines goes like this: 'I am being an idiot right now. Not to pressurize you, but I hope you're faring slightly better.'

Forward looking, yes I am :)

--

A certain mood, atmosphere, smell seems to have taken over this entire day... it was there in school. I brought it up with some people; deyi says it's the 'tension' in the air, and I overheard someone else saying that 'everyone is weird today'. It's the first day of the J2 prelims, and also the last day of term 3.

yet it's not that. I'm... happy. Content. Okay admittedly my life is not as great as I would have it, some parts have gone insanely bad while others have significantly, really improved. But I'm been getting steadily happier, even if I have really, really awful moodswings that come out of the blue and drag me into their depths. I'm trying to fight the bad moods and school makes it easier to do so - the bustle, the familiar circle of acquaintances and friends :)

and yeah, the atmosphere in school was kind of weird, come to think of it! Something about today is different, more relaxed, yet somehow more charged... with I don't know what exactly. It had to strange, pleasant effect of making me calm, and at the same time more determined. I wouldn't have described it as tension exactly -- neither the word nor the feeling it describes actually occurred to me. although I can see how some could've interpreted it as such.

a strange, bizarre element of hilarity in which, in usual dramatic exaggerated fashion, kwangchian convinces kiawee that he has freaked me out and traumatized me thoroughly due to some words that were exchanged. I suspect that kwangchian himself was convinced of it. my condition is not that delicate please. guys -- so melodramatic.
if i'm traumatized by anything, it's the fact that people seem to think I am some childlike porcelain doll, innocent in her naive ignorance and... etc. okay maybe I'm one of those people who is totally oblivious to politics/powerplay and tends to stay away from power struggles -- or who wouldn't realize it even if I happened to be caught accidentally in the middle of one -- but being naive is different from being delicate. they do not necessarily always overlap. give me some freaking credit, thanks.

okay I realize that the previous paragraph sounds quite bitter. no I am just doing some objective bashing here I don't actually feel angry or anything... or maybe I am just too out of touch with my emotions.

okaaaayyyyy I'm looking forward to eating dinner and then reading a book, then tomorrow it's econs tuition in the morning, after which I will settle into a state of Ultimate Mugness.

YEAH :D

Quote robyn's post. Promos haven't even started but strangely I can already feel the year winding to a close. I'm not ready for it yet, honestly! There are things to be done that I haven't yet done. But no matter.

I also keep listening to bella's lullaby, aka 'the river flows in you' by yiruma. 'Bella's lullaby' sounds terribly predictable, I don't really know what on earth bella did to deserve a lullaby other than look pretty and happen to be immune to edward's mindreading skillz, but then people never have to do anything to show that they deserve love, love is just something that happens. So, yay

I just had a long, long conversation with myself, taking a walk around the circus in the wonderfully cold weather. I waved to the jogger. I feel myself beset by a staunch, subtle optimism at the moment. I don't know if it will last, but here's to hoping :) 

I WILL COMPLETE MY PW CHAPTER THREE IN ONE HOUR. YEAH BABY LET'S GO